Are you a particular sleeper? Can you only sleep with the light on, or with the white noise ringing in your ears?
But what if you’re in India, and you hear your next-door neighbor expel his own spicy vegetarian meal from his butthole explosively? That shit ain’t white noise.
What if you could sleep through that?
I’ll teach you how in these simple steps:
1) Stop watching the news
News anchors are very intelligent. They’ll say anything for you to not go to sleep at 10 PM. So let them spew their nonsense to the nothingness.
2) Stop reading.
This should be the last article you read. Reading has shown to decrease sleep time and increase awake time.
3) Buy a giant lollipop from the carnival.
Lick that sucker during the day. Wear a hat, or a backpack.
Experts say you should dress up like a 12-year-old version of yourself.
4) Buy more candy.
You have money in your adult wallet. Get some candy. You deserve it.
5) Enjoy your sugar high!
Woo hoo! Jump on that boulder, run around the building. More candy! Keep running and talking and…
6) Ta da.
Now you’re sleeping in the middle of the living room at 6 PM. After, of course, throwing a gigantic temper tantrum.
Congrats!
If you want to know the words to my Instagram video, here they are:
Take your pickleball racquet and give it a whack whack whack whack
But oh no, you went too fast, your hip went snap snap snap snap
Your husband of 45 years helps you off of the ground ground ground ground
The other team is jumping and hollering and leaping all a bound bound bound bound
It’s because they won.
Don’t play pickleball. You might have to use your Medicare Insurance